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10/25/07

Joys of Defecation

"The Joys of Defecation"(a scatalogical essay)
by Leopold Boucouvalas

Ah! The joys of defecation are probably too numerous to fully list here, but I will make an attempt to describe some of the more outstanding points.

There are times when waking in the morning we are feeling a bit sluggish and need a pick me up.

Routinely I have a cup of coffee to start the day but the wonderful by-product of this is that soon I will enjoy the gentle rumblings

 

in my lower intestine and a smile comes over my face in anticipation of voiding my colonic vault.

On occasion, I even procrastinate so as to build up some back pressure. This can be fun!  I wait until I can’t resist the impending burst of fecal sludge then run to the toilet and drop trow before I blow it out my ass. (Don’t forget to lift the toilet seat cover first)

Oh! The delight of it all!

When I finally leave the "porcelain throne of pleasure", the action has left me feeling like a young race horse prancing in the field. I am always in a more jocular mood and feel like getting all of my chores and things done.

To excrete defecatata or perhaps to say make a big poop is for some a near religious experience. I was told that some tribes in the interior of the jungle in the Batwawe region consider it the highest form of prayer.

The explorer and noted archer Thwok Reardon was said to have seen men in clusters of two and three squatting over a flat offering stone, with their backs pressed against each other’s backs for support, and performing a simultaneous act of defecatatum sanctorum. bathroom sign

In the middle to late part of the 20th century, American men would get together whether they may be in the work place or even enjoying a sport or camping.
In said company, the language was freer amongst the “men” group. It was and still is in some parts not uncommon to hear “Yo, I gotta go pinch a loaf”, or “ I gotta take a dump”, and even “ I gotta have a crap”. I like the old  favorite of this genre, “ I need to take a serious dump”.

To a lesser degree one might hear one of my favorite funny phrases i.e.: “I’m popping out a turtle head” to denote that a small amount of the fecal fudge is exposed, and the need to release a full blown bowel blast is very imminent”. There is“I gotta pop a deuce”. In reference to the number 2 that kids use to denote the brown stuff.

These are manly terms and are indicative of higher testosterone levels and true manliness.

The Chinese call it “Da Bien”. “Da” meaning big versus “Xiao” meaning small - Xiao Bien = (urine).

Constipation is not to be feared. It is to be relished as a challenge, to ultimately release, the bowel mass. Diet is important, but when you are constipated there are but a few things to do.
Other than chemical laxatives there are natural ways to encourage the errant rectal prisoner to escape.

We all know that coffee is a laxative, but I have found that the combination of coffee, sit ups eating an apple and going for a walk are helpful.

A good neighborhood inspection tour and the subsequent return to the home crapper will usually loosen and possibly soften the shit-rock to ease it’s deployment out of the anal sphincter. Personally I have also found that massaging the triangular colon from the outside is very helpful.

Turkish Toilet - www.RavingMadMan.com
If you have studied the human body as I have you will note that there is the ascending colon, the transverse colon and the descending colon.

Feeling gently around your impacted lower abdomen you can determine where the damned shit beast is hold up.  This brown demon must be dispelled from your body before the inevitable evil bowel spirits grow in power and make you feel sick.

Gently massage the path that the near petrified  “caca” will take and encourage it to the anal sphincter.

Disclaimer: This is not medical advice but merely my own method.

At this point, I have heard that some like to use a warm spoon with a gentle lubricant to remove the “thing”.  I would not recommend this as it may damage or even cut the interior and/or muscle of your butt ring (anal sphincter).

Enema!
Yes that is the key word here. This allows you to both evacuate the final chute and enjoy its real pleasure.

There are several kinds of enema. I like the Fleet Enema or a Castile soap enema although you may prefer one of the many available on the market. It is suggested that butt flush be at least room temperature or body temperature (98.6 Fahrenheit). Some like it warmer. Exersise caution.

I have tried several ways to enhance the action of the enema. My favorite is a device of my own creation it employs ropes, webbing straps and some lumber.

This device enables me to inject the enema into my rectal vault whilst hanging upside down. The enema fluid thusly uses gravity to feed itself into the impacted area.

I often also try to jump up and down whilst suspended in the device so as to encourage the lubricating enema to do its job more efficiently. When I feel the impending burst or perhaps a little leaking at the opening of the rectal ring I immediately disengage from the device and plant myself on the "Throne of Glory" and push as if in labor to force the evil bowel mass out of my body.  Sometimes, this is painful but then again so is child birth, and both are sacred.

In closing, I would like to say that I hope you have learned something useful here, and “Happy Crapping”.

More reading:CBC Chairman Guy Fournier comments on the "Joy of Defecation".

Some very fine reading on the subject from the blog of Laudator Temporis Acti